I'm Surrendering
Call me weird, but I have always wanted to be an English teacher. I love the written and spoken word. I enjoy planning lessons, review games, and even tests. I like the questions people ask when they really want to understand, and celebrate their passion for meaningful communication. I especially love the high school age when teenagers are full of emotion and dreams and thoughts and tough questions. Their minds and hearts are like sponges, ready to absorb wells of information, and some are more than willing to share their feelings on paper. My great pleasure is to help them organize and express those feelings and thoughts.
These past few weeks I have had a few homeschooling moms practically beg me to teach writing to their high schoolers for the coming school year. For me it feels like being a racehorse behind the starting gate; I know the track, and I'm chomping at the bit. (That was a cliche, my pet peeve, but I threw it in for the analogy.) I've trained for the quarter-mile essay and the 1.5-mile research paper. I've experienced injury in previous "races," having done this before, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to race again. The highs are higher than the lows (and believe me when I say the lows were crushing).
It took me some courage after praying to approach my husband for his input. I wanted his blessing, not just his okay to teach four high schoolers once a week in my home for money. (I volunteered my services one year and it was just fine, but parents take teachers more seriously when they pay them.)
If Paul didn't okay it, I wanted the grace to accept his reasons.
In my spirit I felt he would say "no" and I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to help other kids succeed; I wanted parents to feel relieved not to have to teach a subject in which they aren't gifted. I wanted the "high" of planning creative writing assignments and hearing kids' poetry and debating current issues with skill and reason. I wanted the joy of seeing them realize their writing goals between September and May. I didn't really want money, but I know that I gladly pay other specialists--music teachers, chemistry tutors, phys ed instructors-- for their educational contributions into our kids' lives, so I didn't need to feel guilty about accepting some compensation for my labor, no matter how passionate I am about it.
The problem is I wanted to push my gruntwork aside. I don't get a particular bang out of doing the dishes over and over. No one claps when I scrub the urine off the base of the toilet. Who hands me a buck for driving him to practice, ironing his shirt, or changing her sheets?
Who notices? Who cares? Who's the better for my labor?
Do you hear the me-orientation? I didn't want to face the fact that as much as I love my family, I don't like duty. We all know the homonym for "duty" is "doody" (as in what a dog expels).
I enjoy many apsects of homemaking, particularly cooking, but if I try a new recipe and no one compliments it, I get upset. I love being a mom, but not a discipinarian. No one thanks me genuinely when I discipline Joel, but if I neglect to, they tell me he's destined for a life behind bars.
I guess what I really wanted was more about me than anyone else. So when I asked Paul about what he thought of my teaching a small class here, he said, "I don't think you have the kind of time to do a good job teaching this year and take care of your first priorities."
I balked. "But I'd charge money! I could put it towards Ben's and Stephen's tuition." (The money was a joke. When I figured out how much each parent would have to pay for the class to bring my hourly wage above the national minimum, I laughed. Homeschoolers would probably refuse. My son who just graduated high school is making well above minimum wage.) So I am giving up this decision to God. I am still talking to Him about it, after my husband has given me his reply.
"Lord, this doesn't feel good. Obedience seldom does. At least not right away. But You have promised to bless those who obey. I am trusting that I will eventually see that doing all the mundane things around this house will make a difference. You know I'd rather be teaching than sweeping. I'd rather be making quizzes than beds. I'd rather be correcting essays than wrong behavior."
I am surrendering. I would like to say I have surrendered, but that tense would be incorrect.
These past few weeks I have had a few homeschooling moms practically beg me to teach writing to their high schoolers for the coming school year. For me it feels like being a racehorse behind the starting gate; I know the track, and I'm chomping at the bit. (That was a cliche, my pet peeve, but I threw it in for the analogy.) I've trained for the quarter-mile essay and the 1.5-mile research paper. I've experienced injury in previous "races," having done this before, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to race again. The highs are higher than the lows (and believe me when I say the lows were crushing).
It took me some courage after praying to approach my husband for his input. I wanted his blessing, not just his okay to teach four high schoolers once a week in my home for money. (I volunteered my services one year and it was just fine, but parents take teachers more seriously when they pay them.)
If Paul didn't okay it, I wanted the grace to accept his reasons.
In my spirit I felt he would say "no" and I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to help other kids succeed; I wanted parents to feel relieved not to have to teach a subject in which they aren't gifted. I wanted the "high" of planning creative writing assignments and hearing kids' poetry and debating current issues with skill and reason. I wanted the joy of seeing them realize their writing goals between September and May. I didn't really want money, but I know that I gladly pay other specialists--music teachers, chemistry tutors, phys ed instructors-- for their educational contributions into our kids' lives, so I didn't need to feel guilty about accepting some compensation for my labor, no matter how passionate I am about it.
The problem is I wanted to push my gruntwork aside. I don't get a particular bang out of doing the dishes over and over. No one claps when I scrub the urine off the base of the toilet. Who hands me a buck for driving him to practice, ironing his shirt, or changing her sheets?
Who notices? Who cares? Who's the better for my labor?
Do you hear the me-orientation? I didn't want to face the fact that as much as I love my family, I don't like duty. We all know the homonym for "duty" is "doody" (as in what a dog expels).
I enjoy many apsects of homemaking, particularly cooking, but if I try a new recipe and no one compliments it, I get upset. I love being a mom, but not a discipinarian. No one thanks me genuinely when I discipline Joel, but if I neglect to, they tell me he's destined for a life behind bars.
I guess what I really wanted was more about me than anyone else. So when I asked Paul about what he thought of my teaching a small class here, he said, "I don't think you have the kind of time to do a good job teaching this year and take care of your first priorities."
I balked. "But I'd charge money! I could put it towards Ben's and Stephen's tuition." (The money was a joke. When I figured out how much each parent would have to pay for the class to bring my hourly wage above the national minimum, I laughed. Homeschoolers would probably refuse. My son who just graduated high school is making well above minimum wage.) So I am giving up this decision to God. I am still talking to Him about it, after my husband has given me his reply.
"Lord, this doesn't feel good. Obedience seldom does. At least not right away. But You have promised to bless those who obey. I am trusting that I will eventually see that doing all the mundane things around this house will make a difference. You know I'd rather be teaching than sweeping. I'd rather be making quizzes than beds. I'd rather be correcting essays than wrong behavior."
I am surrendering. I would like to say I have surrendered, but that tense would be incorrect.
posted by Zoanna at
7:57 AM
8 Comments:
At what point will you have the time to take care of your first priorities and be an effective teacher? Will this point ever come? Did you go to college and work hard all those years just to make beds and clean toilets? I think you are selling yourself short. Maybe you can estimate the time it will take to devise lesson plans and such and come up with ways to expedite your household chores so that the saved time equals the time expended on teaching. That might change your husband's mind.
Oh I hope you are able to decide what to do. I taught a class in photography. I had fun but it was hard. The lesson planning and grading took a lot of time. But then again I love photography but don't know if teaching is my calling. HEE HEE. It is a hard call as a mom. I know working part time myself things get out of whack very easily but on the flip side I need that outlet to keep me going. Maybe that is selfish. But when I can do both it is rewarding all around. I can wash the dishes in a better mood if I have had time to be creative. It is all about balance. Figuring out what is most important and spending the bulk of your time there. I can see where teaching would be hard because it's not like you can say..."My kids need me this week I can't teach you." I have the luxury of doing that when my schedule gets too tight. So I see your difficulty in making a choice. Maybe in a season down the road you will be able to do it. Maybe you could do something that involves writing but doesn't require the time commitment teaching does. Have you ever checked out www.writeathome.net? Maybe you could pick up some money there grading papers and being a writing coach. But you wouldn't have the extra time of lesson planning. (Brian Wasko is a friend of mine)
Okay don't grade my post because I am TERRIBLE at spelling and writing. JUST TERRIBLE. HEE HEE. My sister corrects me all the time. I have other giftings. HEE HEE.
Fabulous, mail them to as soon as you like and I'll keep you posted how it all works out. We will be filling them and getting them where they need to go. My address...can you email me for it so I don't have post here, schcrochet@aol.com or looking)beforeme@yahoo.com, thanks bunches.
Sandy
Zo, this was really well said. I feel your pain. I will pray for your heart to catch up to your head quickly in the matter.
There's a lot running through my mind on this topic because my husband has had to put the brakes on my race horse projects as well. But, let me say (and I hope you hear the passion in my voice) - Obeying God by respecting your husband's thoughts in this matter will speak volumes to your children, even if it looks like they don't notice. God has given you Paul as a hedge of protection to you. Even if his decision might not be the best, God WILL protect you in your submission to it. If you can follow his lead AND do it with a good attitude, you are demonstrating to your kids the exact thing you've been trying to teach them for years.
Being a homemaker IS valuable, but it is so hard to see. Esp., when we get accolades for other things from the outside world. I will pray that God brings comfort and rest to your heart. For everything there is a season....
Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the support. I already felt a peace coming over me before I had to call the moms who were hoping I'd teach. They were gracious. One said, "I have been praying for you all week, and it was like God was saying, 'This isn't gonna work out for you.' So she was already prepared for my answer. Another mom said, "Okay. I don't sweat these things anymore. It'll work out." (She's been homeschooling 14 years, me just 13.)
Zoanna, wow this post really got me. Thanks for your transparency and honesty.
It's such a hard balance to find time to do what we love and what we need to do to keep our house, our husbands, and our kids happy. My housework often takes a backseat to writing. My bedroom right now is a mess, an absolute mess. Yet, I'm leaving a blog comment instead of cleaning it up.
I haven't come to a place where Ted has asked me not to pursue something. Normally he's trying to help me find opportunities to write because he knows that I need to do that, among other things, so I don't grow bored. But, I've found myself stepping back and examining all I have on my plate, trying to determine what to cut out. Just today I told him that I'm thinking about giving up my Orchard Grove blog because between my personal blog, proofreading, and prof. writing, it's too much.
Anyway, it's so hard! I'll be praying for you!
As if you need any more comments on this subject...
You don't know me.
I am a missionary in Europe.
I wanted to tell you that being a single woman/mother of three/ex-teacher/now missionary - I got pretty miffed about your husband curbing your desire. I wanted to write and say, "Hold up there girlie! Don't give in so easily." But God said, "Give the girl praise." I don't know what is happening, but God does. Trust Him. If you have a really good relationship with your husband then I applaud you. I am praying for him also. Time is simply passing through us anyway. We are not a bi-product of time as believers. May God bless your desire to be a godly wife and mother.
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