In Response to my Comment Box About Surrendering
To my readers who don't know me or my family, I can certainly see how I presented my husband's decision as rather cut-and-dried, as if he has no soft side for my creativity or personal desires. Far from it.
I probably should have put in a few of the details that would help paint a better picture of what all I will balancing this coming school year. (Not that it makes a difference in whether to respect my husband's decision.)
But here's the big picture: one son will be in college, another in a Christian high school, a 17-year-old daughter homeschooled, and a 4 year-old with a very bright mind, active body, and strong will. My two high schoolers will obviously not have the same schedule, but I am bound by the "real" school's schedule, for better or worse. (It's a trade-off for homescholing.)
I know that when I start writing lesson plans, getting creative, and helping kids revise papers, I plunge into "work" (which doesn't feel like work, usually) as if I'm diving into the deep end of a pool with full pockets and thick shoes. I love the pool, but I can't always see the whirlpool eddying around me . My husband can; he's the "lifeguard" on the side, saying, "Take the boots off and empty your pockets."
Believe me, for the better part of 20 years I have been going ahead with my plans, expressing my needs, wanting my time, with an attitude that my husband's a big boy and can take care of himself. And he is, and he can, but the point is my attitude has not been about us, but about me. Make sense? So this fairly-easy "okay" to him about not teaching a little writing class is nothing short of miraculous. I'm not a pushover, a doormat, or anything like that. My spirit usually chants a very feminist mantra, and then when things run amok, I blame my husband for all my stress. Ah, so 20 years of bad fruit must mean there's a bad root somewhere, huh?And for the record, I don't think Paul has ever point-blank said, "No, I won't let you do such-and-such." As for creative outlets, he tolerates my blogging, loves my scrapbooks, supports my charity sewing, encourages my card writing/making, appreciates my decorating-on-a-shoestring, and he bought me a great camera. But those pleasures don't involve external pressures. They can easily be curbed when the household load gets heavy.
Logistically I asked the Lord to make this year one in which Sarah and I can pursue many more ministry outreaches together. This is her senior year and she does not have as many courses as before. Very challenging courses, yes, but fewer. She wants to visit a children's hospital and so do I. She wants to go to the nursing home frequently, and so do I. She wants to spend more time with her grandparents and helping young moms, and so do I. These desires were harder to accomplish with all three older kids at home, one of whom was playing lacrosse every spring afternoon in the spring, and another who played winter basketball and had music lessons in the evening. When I taught co-op we didn't do too many field trips because I was spending so much "free time" doing "my" thing for the sake of the class.
And I only had seven students!
My husband also has a gift for figuring out the economics of not just time, but money. There was a time I was very eager to teach English in our Christian school. But after I got all excited and was ready to sign on the proverbial dotted line, my husband crunched the numbers. With so many taxes taken out of a part-time Christian teacher's salary, he said it would not pay. I would end up spending money on clothes, gas, and miscellany for the classroom. I would actually end up paying to teach! (Yet I still wanted to.)
He said if I still want to teach when Joel is in school all day, I can consider full-time in a public school. Right. Me in the public school? Huh-uh. Even if I taught AP English to college prep students who have been groomed to write, I would have a whole new set of issues.
Even if I were cut out for teaching in the public school, I can't really bear the thought of being apart from Joel all day every day. That's one reason homeschooling is so meaningful to me. I have no regrets about it. The hardest thing so far regarding school was letting my first son stop homeschooling, and that was because my husband could foresee so many benefits that I couldn't. It turned out to be Ben's best year ever. He's thanked us many times.
I hope this post helps those who saw me as a pushover to view me differently now. My heart is softer than it has ever been, and my husband is a better leader than ever. Or maybe our biblical roles are finally getting clearer and we're agreeing with God on how good His design is.
I probably should have put in a few of the details that would help paint a better picture of what all I will balancing this coming school year. (Not that it makes a difference in whether to respect my husband's decision.)
But here's the big picture: one son will be in college, another in a Christian high school, a 17-year-old daughter homeschooled, and a 4 year-old with a very bright mind, active body, and strong will. My two high schoolers will obviously not have the same schedule, but I am bound by the "real" school's schedule, for better or worse. (It's a trade-off for homescholing.)
I know that when I start writing lesson plans, getting creative, and helping kids revise papers, I plunge into "work" (which doesn't feel like work, usually) as if I'm diving into the deep end of a pool with full pockets and thick shoes. I love the pool, but I can't always see the whirlpool eddying around me . My husband can; he's the "lifeguard" on the side, saying, "Take the boots off and empty your pockets."
Believe me, for the better part of 20 years I have been going ahead with my plans, expressing my needs, wanting my time, with an attitude that my husband's a big boy and can take care of himself. And he is, and he can, but the point is my attitude has not been about us, but about me. Make sense? So this fairly-easy "okay" to him about not teaching a little writing class is nothing short of miraculous. I'm not a pushover, a doormat, or anything like that. My spirit usually chants a very feminist mantra, and then when things run amok, I blame my husband for all my stress. Ah, so 20 years of bad fruit must mean there's a bad root somewhere, huh?And for the record, I don't think Paul has ever point-blank said, "No, I won't let you do such-and-such." As for creative outlets, he tolerates my blogging, loves my scrapbooks, supports my charity sewing, encourages my card writing/making, appreciates my decorating-on-a-shoestring, and he bought me a great camera. But those pleasures don't involve external pressures. They can easily be curbed when the household load gets heavy.
Logistically I asked the Lord to make this year one in which Sarah and I can pursue many more ministry outreaches together. This is her senior year and she does not have as many courses as before. Very challenging courses, yes, but fewer. She wants to visit a children's hospital and so do I. She wants to go to the nursing home frequently, and so do I. She wants to spend more time with her grandparents and helping young moms, and so do I. These desires were harder to accomplish with all three older kids at home, one of whom was playing lacrosse every spring afternoon in the spring, and another who played winter basketball and had music lessons in the evening. When I taught co-op we didn't do too many field trips because I was spending so much "free time" doing "my" thing for the sake of the class.
And I only had seven students!
My husband also has a gift for figuring out the economics of not just time, but money. There was a time I was very eager to teach English in our Christian school. But after I got all excited and was ready to sign on the proverbial dotted line, my husband crunched the numbers. With so many taxes taken out of a part-time Christian teacher's salary, he said it would not pay. I would end up spending money on clothes, gas, and miscellany for the classroom. I would actually end up paying to teach! (Yet I still wanted to.)
He said if I still want to teach when Joel is in school all day, I can consider full-time in a public school. Right. Me in the public school? Huh-uh. Even if I taught AP English to college prep students who have been groomed to write, I would have a whole new set of issues.
Even if I were cut out for teaching in the public school, I can't really bear the thought of being apart from Joel all day every day. That's one reason homeschooling is so meaningful to me. I have no regrets about it. The hardest thing so far regarding school was letting my first son stop homeschooling, and that was because my husband could foresee so many benefits that I couldn't. It turned out to be Ben's best year ever. He's thanked us many times.
I hope this post helps those who saw me as a pushover to view me differently now. My heart is softer than it has ever been, and my husband is a better leader than ever. Or maybe our biblical roles are finally getting clearer and we're agreeing with God on how good His design is.
posted by Zoanna at
4:53 PM
3 Comments:
Zoanna, that was beautifully written and I respect you very much for the way that you handled that post!
Me too. I'll be praying for this upcoming year. Even without teaching, you have a lot of responsibility. You don't want to miss out on Sarah's Sr. year, either!
I taught only one year of AP English online, and man, it's tough work! Paul sounds wise, and number crunching is something to consider!
Thank you for your posts and your humility expressed in them. I am sure that MY words didn't come out as I wanted them to. I think it is wonderful that your husband is looking out for your well-being and I think that it is wonderful how you are processing it all and seeking to be obedient to the Lord. I never had anything but the utmost respect for you both while reading and thinking about the situation. I think God is at work and it is exciting to be able to see some of it from afar. Thanks for sharing!
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