Set-up for a Letdown

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is a 1988 comedy starring Steve Martin and Michael Caine. Genesis is the first book of the Bible starring dirty rotten scoundrels named Jacob and Laban. Jacob is the smooth-skinned, double-talking, Daddy-duping twin brother of Esau. The firstborn of the two is Esau, and thus rightfully due his father Isaac's blessing before the old man croaks. But in a conniving twist of jealousy and hatred, Jacob--aided by his deceptive mom, Rebekah--dons animal skins to both feel and look like Esau, the hunter. When the legally blind Isaac is about to die, he touches the hairy, animal-smelling son and assumes it's his firstborn, Esau. He blesses him. The impostor flees in the night at his mother's warning. Into Father's tent walks Esau from the field, sweating and stinky, to receive his father's farewell blessing. When they realize the grave truth of what has just taken place--an irreversible contract in Hebrew custom--they are both sick to the core. They weep and wail at their shared loss, at the inexplicable grief of having been cheated out of the greatest rite of passage Jewish fathers and sons could share.

Fast-forward a few years. There is a supporting actress named Leah (who plays herself), daughter of Laban and cousin of Jacob. (If you're following, Rebekah and Laban are siblings, so you can see that deceit is a defective. dominant gene in their family.)

Leah is Rachel's sister, and not nearly as attractive. According to Genesis, she has "weak eyes," which I'm not sure means she is half-blind or her eyelids droop or what, but at any rate, Rachel is the good-looking younger sister. It is Rachel to whom Jacob takes a shine. He agrees to work seven years for her dad, Laban, in order to marry her. By American standards, that's one honkin' rock of an engagement ring!

Seven years pass quickly for Jacob, so full of love and anticipation for his sweet Rachel. Mazel tovs and tinkling wine glasses resound throughout the village. Jacob, it's your lucky day. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you shall.....never mind.

The "morning after" their wedding night, when the veil is lifted to reveal the bride's face, lo and behold, it's not the gorgeous Rachel he has just married, but Leah. Horrors! How did that happen? Who could explain this raw deal?

(Laban appears.) "Oh," says the quick-thinking, fast talker. "Let me familiarize you with our traditions. In our culture, a father always gives his firstborn daughter his blessing in marriage before he blesses the second. Thus you got Leah yesterday. But if you still want Rachel, my second daughter, I'll gladly let you work another seven years for her."

Flashback: Words like "firstborn" and "in our culture" and "blessing" are tasting like last month's cottage cheese in Jacob's mouth. Can you just imagine what was going on his mind?

"Is there any way out of this? Let's see. Did we exchange wedding vows? Yes. Okay, vows are legally binding. Did we sleep together? Oh, yes. Even though I didn't see her face or hear her voice, I am quite sure we did. Uh-oh. From all accounts...this ....is....a... fait accompli."

Will Jacob dump Leah? Will he work seven more years for the beautiful prize of a girl named Rachel? Will the sibling rivalry stop when Jacob makes up his mind? Will the cheating and jealousy come to a halt and all live happily ever after? And whatever happened to Esau, the hairy hunting twin brother? Is he whistling "Happy Trails"?

Stay tuned.